Being back in NZ feels like we never left. The kiwi is still only in cartoon form, every time I say I want to sky dive the sky clouds up, there's still no one in this town even though Queenstown is "the place to be" and Evan is still sitting alone reading. I hoped when Courtney showed up we could drink or go a little crazy and Evan would feel inspired since she is his friend but unfortunately Courtney has started her travels with a nasty stomach bug. And so I bought another book today...
I know, I know...I shouldn't complain. I went for a great (sunny) run this a.m in perfect temps (low 60s F). We're not living in a campervan. Our hostel has an incredible view. We are supposed to river surf through rapids and sky dive and maybe even do some more canyoning like the glow worm caves and bungy (although I will probably skip the bungy because I'm not interested and the canyoning because I already did it). Fun, yes?
And I like reading... I read "Committed" in 1 day, basically chugged it, and marked all the pages that spoke to me. I think it proves my sanity that I am not in New Jersey stalking Elizabeth Gilbert about our parallel lives. Did I mention her mom worked at Planned Parenthood?
I just like people more. I like talking and laughing and drinking with friends. I like people watching. I like meeting new people. I just can't wait to be home and around people who also like people.
1 week from now I will be back in NH and the next day back in Philly...I'm ready. I'm glad I came on this trip. I will probably never again in my life go running along a lake in New Zealand or, sad as I am to say it, SCUBA on the Great Barrier Reef. I heard crappy music on the radio over and over that will remind me of this trip every time I hear those songs for the rest of my life. And I answered tons of questions for myself that I really needed the answers to.
A part of me did this trip for my brother Jason...because he couldn't, because I wanted to somehow feel closer to him, to know him better through Evan because they were closer to each other than I was to either of them, and to somehow bond with Evan because I thought it would make me feel better and keep me from losing the only brother I have left. Well, it didn't all really happen like that.
I don't know how to bond with Evan. I've tried for years. I've tried in Philly. I've tried when I'm back in NH. For some reason he just doesn't seem to have much interest in playing together...it's more like toddlers and parallel play. We didn't kill each other but he has his toys and I have mine. I finally stopped taking it personally on this trip...it's just him. He's quiet and enjoys solitude. It doesn't seem like he wants to spend his time around anyone who he's already decided isn't his "type" and sometimes that seems like most people. I could be wrong. Maybe he's shy? And then there's me...show me a person and, majority of the time, I'll have found a buddy, even if just for a few hours. I LOVE meeting new people, I love the stories that come of it.
I always assumed it was me...that I had heard all these stories about Evan's great times and somehow I wasn't cool enough as his big sister to be included. On both Fraser Island and the Whitsundays boat trip he barely spoke to anyone. He drank alone on a sand dune or read alone on the bow of the boat while everyone else was grouped up chatting/singing/dancing/drinking. But today when Courtney arrived Evan went on and on about how great the people were on those tours. I kept my mouth shut but wtf?
When I was on the boat in the Whitsundays watching Evan read on the bow I thought of Jason. Jason would not have been reading. Jason would have befriended the entire crew and organized all the passengers into some sort of wacky activity or game. Jason could make a friend anywhere he went and turn anything into a loud, fun, social group activity. I wonder what a 24 year old Jason would have gotten into on this trip.
Regardless, as Susan just said to me, 3 kids equals the full spectrum perhaps. I fall somewhere between my 2 brothers on the social scale and that's just what it is. The good news is that I've finally made peace with the fact that Evan and I won't ever be besties.
So now I got back to crossing my fingers that I will get a day clear enough to sky dive although, at this point, maybe it's a sign that it's just not meant to be.
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