I love Australia. I love the handful of great people I've connected with along the way and all the things I did (i.e. camping, peeing on sand dunes, living on a sailboat) that took me out of my comfort zone. It was all a great time and our time in Cairns was especially fabulous. We got our SCUBA diving in and I can officially check the Great Barrier Reef off my bucket list. We had some great roomies at our hostel and went for a road trip yesterday into the Daintree (rainforest) and up to Cape Tribulation where the rain forest meets fabulous beaches.
I did fail to take 1 risk and have been thinking a lot about it. Yesterday we found a swimming hole with some rope swings into the water. Evan jumped right in but Hannah and I couldn't get ourselves to do it. What if I let go too soon? Too late? What if I hit the rocks or the roots? What if I'm not strong enough. I wish I was brave enough to do it but the truth is, I have to admit that I don't like the unknown. (It's taken me 6 months to psyche myself up to sky dive next week FYI...this is big!).
(WARNING: long, personal, sometimes boring rambling to follow!!!)
I do take risks (kind of???). I think in the past 6 months I've taken many more than ever before. For example, I quit my job. BUT...I had a full plan first as to what I would do while unemployed and how long I have to find work once I get back. I have a few paths to choose from once I'm home but even there I've worked out each one detail by detail.
Second example, I've opened myself up emotionally again. For years, maybe as long as I can remember, I've kept myself to myself for fear that I'll make myself vulnerable or get hurt. A few times I have opened up when I needed support the most that's exactly what happened. But just like I declared 6 months ago...I'm letting go and not letting the past or the negative drive my days.
I've done my best to stay close to my friends even while traveling because I love them...in the past I would have just let those relationships slip away. I can't wait to see them when I get home. :)
I tried to open back up to my parents. Their opinions and approval will always be important to me but I've accepted that no matter how hard they make it for me, I just can't live to make them happy anymore. I have to live for myself. When it all comes down to it though, they're my parents, I miss them and if I have to separate the part of my life that is uncertain and in flux from them so I can keep them in my life with as little conflict as possible then that's what I'll do.
And I'm finally trying to take a huge risk in the relationship arena. I've spent the past 3 or so years avoiding (consciously or subconsciously) the possibility of a healthy, trusting, productive relationship. When you're divorced at age 27 it's easy to say I never need to be married again and I'll be fine on my own. I knowingly took less than I deserved on occasion in an attempt to avoid being hurt or let down like when emotions are involved. When I did make an attempt at emotions it was unfortunately wrong timing, no trust and too little too late. Whether I chose situations that would fail to avoid a real commitment is TBD but the psych major in me thinks it's possible.
So now, somehow, I've spent the past 3 months "committed" to someone I've only spent 10 days of my life with. It feels a little nuts and scary and super vulnerable to trust someone I know so basically from so far away but I guess there is enough of something for me to take a risk on and accept that if it doesn't work out at least I can't regret never trying (if that's a double negative I intended it). After 9 weeks of staring down "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert and convincing myself I don't ever need to read it, I bought it today. It may not speak to me like "Eat, Pray, Love" but maybe this skeptic needs to read the thoughts of another. Anyway, I'm glad the situation crept up on me. If I had a choice and saw it coming I probably would have fled. But in the end, it feels kind of cool to see how it plays out.
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