back in the real world

I've been back in the States for less than 2 weeks and, honestly, I've been dealing with so much at once that it feels like ages. I knew coming back would be stressful...I need to find a job and figure out where I'm heading. I assumed that I would have some answers by today and, instead, I'm even more lost than when I was thousands of miles away running hypothetical after hypothetical through my head.

So I guess the moral of my return to the real world, thus far, is that no matter how hard you try to plan and be prepared life is just going to fuck with you anyway. My simple excitement over football Sundays, catching up with friends and seeing Preston for the first time in 3.5 months went pretty much the opposite of plan. Luckily, the NFL has not let me down and football Sundays (and Mondays, and perhaps also Thursdays this week) are still in effect. My friends seem to have remembered me.

Preston's visit was bittersweet. I think I did a good job of showing him around Philly while he's hobbling on crutches and I made sure he got some of the excellent food Philly is known for. My hope that I/we would have an idea of what path to go down pretty much blew up in my face for a variety of reasons. Long story short, Preston is en route back to Prague as I write this to finish healing and rehabing his torn achilles and I'm making my own plans as I always have which may or may not involve him. I am going to need a roomie or 2 pretty soon, a job (asap), and to make a decision regarding the States v. abroad. What I've discovered though is that I'm ok. I'm fixed. I'm solid. I'm finally just good and strong and happy. At the risk of sounding like Bush...mission accomplished. :)

Other than that part of my life being all humpty dumpty...there is Cruiser. Cruiser is my 15.5 year old cat. She's been in the family since she was 6 weeks old and has been living with me for past 10 years or so. She's my baby. She spoons with me and lays her head on my pillow. Upon returning from my trip I realized that Cruiser cannot hear. Yes she is old and yes they say that when cats lose their hearing most people don't realize until it's completely gone BUT I feel horrible that I haven't been here to help her. On top of that, she is also going blind. After 2 years of managing her early kidney issues with my vet's supervision it appears that she developed hypertension (common in cats with kidney issues) which led to the detachment of both retinas and a cat that can pretty much see absolutely nothing. (For the record, I'm pretty pissed that I wasn't offered blood pressure medication for her as a preventative measure 2 years ago). So yes, my cat is all Helen Keller and I have no idea what to do with this. She is lost. She is disoriented. She is stressed. It's painful to watch her walk into walls and cabinets or have absolutely no idea I'm close to her. All she has to look forward to is eventually dealing with her kidney failure advancing to a pretty uncomfortable situation. So what does one do? What does Cruiser want? What is fair? If she can get to the litter box and to her food and water is that enough of a life for her?

And wait, there's more...my baby cousin (ok, if 16 years old can be considered a baby) passed away suddenly early Monday morning. There really isn't a satisfying explanation for what happened other than a series of unfortunate events that, if each were taken separately, probably wouldn't have even caused a problem. He was the cousin I was closest to, the one I wanted to mentor, the one who amazed me every time I saw him as I watched him grow up and I don't think any of the family can really wrap our heads around this. I spent the last 2 nights completely sleepless and today driving up and back to Brooklyn for the funeral.

I'm not sure what else can happen but I guess this is just life's way of balancing out the past 6 months of mostly carefree travel. Don't want anyone to get too happy, eh?