back in the real world

I've been back in the States for less than 2 weeks and, honestly, I've been dealing with so much at once that it feels like ages. I knew coming back would be stressful...I need to find a job and figure out where I'm heading. I assumed that I would have some answers by today and, instead, I'm even more lost than when I was thousands of miles away running hypothetical after hypothetical through my head.

So I guess the moral of my return to the real world, thus far, is that no matter how hard you try to plan and be prepared life is just going to fuck with you anyway. My simple excitement over football Sundays, catching up with friends and seeing Preston for the first time in 3.5 months went pretty much the opposite of plan. Luckily, the NFL has not let me down and football Sundays (and Mondays, and perhaps also Thursdays this week) are still in effect. My friends seem to have remembered me.

Preston's visit was bittersweet. I think I did a good job of showing him around Philly while he's hobbling on crutches and I made sure he got some of the excellent food Philly is known for. My hope that I/we would have an idea of what path to go down pretty much blew up in my face for a variety of reasons. Long story short, Preston is en route back to Prague as I write this to finish healing and rehabing his torn achilles and I'm making my own plans as I always have which may or may not involve him. I am going to need a roomie or 2 pretty soon, a job (asap), and to make a decision regarding the States v. abroad. What I've discovered though is that I'm ok. I'm fixed. I'm solid. I'm finally just good and strong and happy. At the risk of sounding like Bush...mission accomplished. :)

Other than that part of my life being all humpty dumpty...there is Cruiser. Cruiser is my 15.5 year old cat. She's been in the family since she was 6 weeks old and has been living with me for past 10 years or so. She's my baby. She spoons with me and lays her head on my pillow. Upon returning from my trip I realized that Cruiser cannot hear. Yes she is old and yes they say that when cats lose their hearing most people don't realize until it's completely gone BUT I feel horrible that I haven't been here to help her. On top of that, she is also going blind. After 2 years of managing her early kidney issues with my vet's supervision it appears that she developed hypertension (common in cats with kidney issues) which led to the detachment of both retinas and a cat that can pretty much see absolutely nothing. (For the record, I'm pretty pissed that I wasn't offered blood pressure medication for her as a preventative measure 2 years ago). So yes, my cat is all Helen Keller and I have no idea what to do with this. She is lost. She is disoriented. She is stressed. It's painful to watch her walk into walls and cabinets or have absolutely no idea I'm close to her. All she has to look forward to is eventually dealing with her kidney failure advancing to a pretty uncomfortable situation. So what does one do? What does Cruiser want? What is fair? If she can get to the litter box and to her food and water is that enough of a life for her?

And wait, there's more...my baby cousin (ok, if 16 years old can be considered a baby) passed away suddenly early Monday morning. There really isn't a satisfying explanation for what happened other than a series of unfortunate events that, if each were taken separately, probably wouldn't have even caused a problem. He was the cousin I was closest to, the one I wanted to mentor, the one who amazed me every time I saw him as I watched him grow up and I don't think any of the family can really wrap our heads around this. I spent the last 2 nights completely sleepless and today driving up and back to Brooklyn for the funeral.

I'm not sure what else can happen but I guess this is just life's way of balancing out the past 6 months of mostly carefree travel. Don't want anyone to get too happy, eh?

Back in the States!

We have officially landed on US soil! After living Tuesday the 16th twice (due to the time zone change my Tuesday is 45 hours long) and flying for 12 hours (that's 3 movies, 5 hours of sleep, 2 meals, and the most recent Norah Jones CD twice) I am in Los Angeles! Now, in order to get to Philly I just need to survive an 8 hour layover, a 5 hour flight to JFK, another 5 hour layover, a 1 hour flight to Boston, a 1 hour drive to NH and then a 6-8 hour drive (depending on traffic) back to Philly. Fun fun fun.

Once we made it through the hour long customs line and then security into the domestic terminal I found a bathroom to clean up in. And by clean up I mean a "wet ones" shower, a couple biore face scrub cloths and brushed and flossed my teeth. Follow that with some tester perfume from the Body Shop and a skinny capp in a Starbucks Christmas cup and I'm good as new (except my feet which are somehow nasty dirty). Just 20 or so more hours til a real shower (and doing tons and tons of laundry).

I should be used to living in airports by now. And definitely used to not having a proper shower for days after camping, boating, and spending a night on a bench in the Auckland airport (and having a cleaning woman suggest I shower near the McDonalds for only $5) but I just can't wait to be clean and sleep in my bed and see my parents. Home sweet home. And then to Philly for some more of that.

Hold on, hold on...I found some lambies at a distance! #fb

Where have all the lambies gone?

As you may remember, my 1st 5 weeks in New Zealand had a lot to do with sheep and newborn lambs. On our sky diving day I did spot some on the way to the drop zone and it's sad to admit that my babies are all grown up. Sad because 90% of lambs born each season are sent off to slaughter at or shortly after 3 months of age. Poor lambies.

So, I'm sitting on a bus right now for the first leg of my multi-day journey back to Philly (7hrs on a bus, 36hrs of flying and layovers, 6-8hrs driving my car from my parents' house in NH home to Philly...all with a side of jet lag) and I cannot spot a sheep anywhere. The previously munched down grass is overgrown and the fields are empty. A couple months ago there would be more sheep than you could believe. Poor lambies.

We spent our last night and day in Queenstown freezing (again) and cloudy (again). I guess NZ wanted me to remember it that way and not sunny and warm like it had been for a handful of days there. We played some board games and cards and then "frisbee golf" this a.m. Let's just say I was no where near par, Courtney beat me by 6 and Evan kicked our asses. Evan then tried to frisbee bowl for sleeping ducks but ended up chasing them instead. If only there had been some sheep...

Just kidding...I'm not done yet!

I went on a long run this morning, probably my last run until I get back to Philly on Thursday and realized that I have more to say (is anyone surprised?) I apologize for the pics and entries that may seem a bit repetitive. Since I can't bring my phone camera sky diving or in the water you're basically stuck with what I see walking around and it seems that a lot of my days are pretty repetitive themselves. Now that I've been in NZ and OZ for 10 weeks, I admit it might all be blending together.

First, a pet peeve. New Zealand and Australia join England and drive on the "other" side of the road. The same follows for walking, biking, running and basically anything where 2 people or vehicles are moving in opposite directions. I'm very used to this now...so much so that I'm worried about crossing the street when I get home to the States. So, if I can figure out this system I would like to know why people from here can't handle it. If I'm running on the left side of the trail and you see me coming towards you MOVE to your left side of the trail. If I were a car would you just let me drive head-on into you?

Next, I don't think I did a good job explaining exactly what river surfing was like yesterday. I want you all to understand why it was the most unenjoyable activity I've ever willingly subjected myself to (and paid for nonetheless!).

Here goes. First, we got suited up in 10mm wetsuits and booties (because it's freezing cold water). On top of that we got a life jacket, a helmet and flippers. I pretty much waddled like a penguin. It was hot. I had a gold helmet which is pretty cool but I was a bit jealous of Evan's magenta one. Then we were handed our body board. Literally it's that 3ft long foam board you use to ride waves at the beach.

Next we got a lesson on how to enter the water, exit the water, and go the proper direction (easy, they say, just point your board where you want to go and kick). And off we went. Let me say, I am a strong swimmer and, from running, my legs are pretty strong but I could point my board any which way I wanted and kick for my life and I was not getting anywhere with that board that the river didn't feel like taking me. Rapids, cool. Whirlpools, awesome. Huge rocks and rock cliffs coming at me, no, not cool. On top of that we were in a group of about 11 people so just when you think you might be getting somewhere a clump of people would come flying towards you, turn you around and make it impossible to kick or get unstuck. So the guide yelling "point right and kick" or "downstream and left" was virtually meaningless until I drifted into him and he physically got me to the right place. Please tell me what part of that sounds fun.

And now I'm waiting for Courtney and Evan to return from bungy. I have dreams of Ferg burgers for dinner (NZ's most famous burgers) and I hope they're sharing my dream once they get back from hanging upside down all day.

Don't worry, I'm still not done...I realized I haven't properly discussed airport layovers so stay tuned for that!

It seems we've come to the end of the road...

It's unbelievable to me that I have only 3 full days left on this trip (maybe only 2 if you subtract travel time back to Christchurch). While I'm ready to get home I'm doing my best to keep enjoying my time here and not obsess over too many lists of things to do when I get back. Sitting on the grass with live music in the middle of the Queenstown arts and crafts fair is not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Only some ice cream could make it better.

I did my sky dive yesterday. I wasn't scared. That was probably the weirdest part about it. I wasn't scared on the way up and I wasn't scared on the way down. My "tandem master" barely spoke to me so I can't credit him with soothing my nerves (Evan's tandem master didn't speak a word and Courtney's was similar as well). I think I was just ready. I knew I was doing it and, honestly, once you're out of the plane there isn't anything you can do to save your life if something goes wrong. 12,000ft, 45 second free fall over amazing New Zealand scenery is pretty unbeatable...even if it's your last hurrah. I would sky dive again in a heartbeat.

Today we "river surfed" which is basically going down level 3 rapids on a body board. Guido and Garth, our guides, were pretty fabulous (and kinda hot - especially Guido's Spanish accent) but regardless, I HATED it. I didn't mind the rapids part, I didn't mind the whirlpools, I didn't even mind the hard work. I just can't stand not being in control of my own direction.

Sure...I realize I made no sense right there. Loved sky diving and zero control hated river surfing and attempting control. My explanation: if you give me something to control I want to own it 100% and if I can't I'm going to be super frustrated (and a bit terrified) but if you tell me that there is nothing I can do, that something is going to happen and I have absolutely no chance of taking control...I have finally learned to let go. At least that much I can do and I'm ok with getting that far in 6 months. Plus, I wouldn't be me if I didn't try to control my life and try to micromanage every detail. That's endearing, no?

Tomorrow Evan and Courtney are bungy jumping. I'm passing. I have zero interest in that and it's also super expensive. So...I get to go for a long run, wander around town, maybe (MAYBE) get that tattoo I've been considering for ages. Monday we jump on a bus to Christchurch and Tuesday evening we begin out many flights back to the States.

I can't wait to feel like a girl again. I want to wear heels and skirts and jewelry and carry a purse and get my hair done and a pedicure and maybe even a manicure. I want to cook and bake in my own kitchen and put my toothbrush in a toothbrush holder. I want my cats and my couch. I want football Sundays, girls' nights and chats with my neighbors on my front steps. Home can be anywhere you settle down for a while and for me, for now, home is Philly.

I'm excited to figure out where I'm going (or staying) and what I'll be doing for work. It was fun to be a nomad for a bit but I think I'm ok sitting still for a little while.

So...unless something epic comes up, this is probably me signing off for a bit.

Later Gators!

Waiting for the rain to come...again

Yup, in New Zealand it rains. It's not raining yet...drizzled a bit, still some breaks of sun, but it's going to rain soon. As I walked back to the hostel from town just now (it's about 5:30p.m here) all I wanted to do was grab a bottle of wine and come home to hibernate. Guess I'm ready for winter when I return to the states.

Being back in NZ feels like we never left. The kiwi is still only in cartoon form, every time I say I want to sky dive the sky clouds up, there's still no one in this town even though Queenstown is "the place to be" and Evan is still sitting alone reading. I hoped when Courtney showed up we could drink or go a little crazy and Evan would feel inspired since she is his friend but unfortunately Courtney has started her travels with a nasty stomach bug. And so I bought another book today...

I know, I know...I shouldn't complain. I went for a great (sunny) run this a.m in perfect temps (low 60s F). We're not living in a campervan. Our hostel has an incredible view. We are supposed to river surf through rapids and sky dive and maybe even do some more canyoning like the glow worm caves and bungy (although I will probably skip the bungy because I'm not interested and the canyoning because I already did it). Fun, yes?

And I like reading... I read "Committed" in 1 day, basically chugged it, and marked all the pages that spoke to me. I think it proves my sanity that I am not in New Jersey stalking Elizabeth Gilbert about our parallel lives. Did I mention her mom worked at Planned Parenthood?

I just like people more. I like talking and laughing and drinking with friends. I like people watching. I like meeting new people. I just can't wait to be home and around people who also like people.

1 week from now I will be back in NH and the next day back in Philly...I'm ready. I'm glad I came on this trip. I will probably never again in my life go running along a lake in New Zealand or, sad as I am to say it, SCUBA on the Great Barrier Reef. I heard crappy music on the radio over and over that will remind me of this trip every time I hear those songs for the rest of my life. And I answered tons of questions for myself that I really needed the answers to.

A part of me did this trip for my brother Jason...because he couldn't, because I wanted to somehow feel closer to him, to know him better through Evan because they were closer to each other than I was to either of them, and to somehow bond with Evan because I thought it would make me feel better and keep me from losing the only brother I have left. Well, it didn't all really happen like that.

I don't know how to bond with Evan. I've tried for years. I've tried in Philly. I've tried when I'm back in NH. For some reason he just doesn't seem to have much interest in playing together...it's more like toddlers and parallel play. We didn't kill each other but he has his toys and I have mine. I finally stopped taking it personally on this trip...it's just him. He's quiet and enjoys solitude. It doesn't seem like he wants to spend his time around anyone who he's already decided isn't his "type" and sometimes that seems like most people. I could be wrong. Maybe he's shy? And then there's me...show me a person and, majority of the time, I'll have found a buddy, even if just for a few hours. I LOVE meeting new people, I love the stories that come of it.

I always assumed it was me...that I had heard all these stories about Evan's great times and somehow I wasn't cool enough as his big sister to be included. On both Fraser Island and the Whitsundays boat trip he barely spoke to anyone. He drank alone on a sand dune or read alone on the bow of the boat while everyone else was grouped up chatting/singing/dancing/drinking. But today when Courtney arrived Evan went on and on about how great the people were on those tours. I kept my mouth shut but wtf?

When I was on the boat in the Whitsundays watching Evan read on the bow I thought of Jason. Jason would not have been reading. Jason would have befriended the entire crew and organized all the passengers into some sort of wacky activity or game. Jason could make a friend anywhere he went and turn anything into a loud, fun, social group activity. I wonder what a 24 year old Jason would have gotten into on this trip.

Regardless, as Susan just said to me, 3 kids equals the full spectrum perhaps. I fall somewhere between my 2 brothers on the social scale and that's just what it is. The good news is that I've finally made peace with the fact that Evan and I won't ever be besties.

So now I got back to crossing my fingers that I will get a day clear enough to sky dive although, at this point, maybe it's a sign that it's just not meant to be.

Leaving OZ

Believe it or not, I'm at the Cairns airport about to head back to New Zealand and enter the LAST WEEK of this trip. It should be a little warmer in NZ (I hope!) and less rainy (I really really hope!) so we can finally get in our rafting and sky diving and bungee (for Evan, not for me). Courtney, our fab hostess in Brisbane is meeting us for the week and hopefully it will be an excellent last hurrah for us and an excellent start to her year+ long trip around the world. Our first challenge? How to crash at the Auckland airport tonight during our 12 hour overnight layover. Fingers crossed we don't end up sleeping on the streets of Auckland.

I love Australia. I love the handful of great people I've connected with along the way and all the things I did (i.e. camping, peeing on sand dunes, living on a sailboat) that took me out of my comfort zone. It was all a great time and our time in Cairns was especially fabulous. We got our SCUBA diving in and I can officially check the Great Barrier Reef off my bucket list. We had some great roomies at our hostel and went for a road trip yesterday into the Daintree (rainforest) and up to Cape Tribulation where the rain forest meets fabulous beaches.

I did fail to take 1 risk and have been thinking a lot about it. Yesterday we found a swimming hole with some rope swings into the water. Evan jumped right in but Hannah and I couldn't get ourselves to do it. What if I let go too soon? Too late? What if I hit the rocks or the roots? What if I'm not strong enough. I wish I was brave enough to do it but the truth is, I have to admit that I don't like the unknown. (It's taken me 6 months to psyche myself up to sky dive next week FYI...this is big!).

(WARNING: long, personal, sometimes boring rambling to follow!!!)

I do take risks (kind of???). I think in the past 6 months I've taken many more than ever before. For example, I quit my job. BUT...I had a full plan first as to what I would do while unemployed and how long I have to find work once I get back. I have a few paths to choose from once I'm home but even there I've worked out each one detail by detail.

Second example, I've opened myself up emotionally again. For years, maybe as long as I can remember, I've kept myself to myself for fear that I'll make myself vulnerable or get hurt. A few times I have opened up when I needed support the most that's exactly what happened. But just like I declared 6 months ago...I'm letting go and not letting the past or the negative drive my days.

I've done my best to stay close to my friends even while traveling because I love them...in the past I would have just let those relationships slip away. I can't wait to see them when I get home. :)

I tried to open back up to my parents. Their opinions and approval will always be important to me but I've accepted that no matter how hard they make it for me, I just can't live to make them happy anymore. I have to live for myself. When it all comes down to it though, they're my parents, I miss them and if I have to separate the part of my life that is uncertain and in flux from them so I can keep them in my life with as little conflict as possible then that's what I'll do.

And I'm finally trying to take a huge risk in the relationship arena. I've spent the past 3 or so years avoiding (consciously or subconsciously) the possibility of a healthy, trusting, productive relationship. When you're divorced at age 27 it's easy to say I never need to be married again and I'll be fine on my own. I knowingly took less than I deserved on occasion in an attempt to avoid being hurt or let down like when emotions are involved. When I did make an attempt at emotions it was unfortunately wrong timing, no trust and too little too late. Whether I chose situations that would fail to avoid a real commitment is TBD but the psych major in me thinks it's possible.

So now, somehow, I've spent the past 3 months "committed" to someone I've only spent 10 days of my life with. It feels a little nuts and scary and super vulnerable to trust someone I know so basically from so far away but I guess there is enough of something for me to take a risk on and accept that if it doesn't work out at least I can't regret never trying (if that's a double negative I intended it). After 9 weeks of staring down "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert and convincing myself I don't ever need to read it, I bought it today. It may not speak to me like "Eat, Pray, Love" but maybe this skeptic needs to read the thoughts of another. Anyway, I'm glad the situation crept up on me. If I had a choice and saw it coming I probably would have fled. But in the end, it feels kind of cool to see how it plays out.

I found Nemo!

After a no shower boat trip with some fab people, a golden gaytime, an 8 hour drive in the rain, near seasickness and 13 years of dreaming about it I finally dove on the Great Barrier Reef (and get to do it again tomorrow)!

We did 3 dives today and I really think they were the most amazing dives of my life. The Caribbean just doesn't compare. The coral is fresh and brilliant colors even on a cloudy day (which today was). We did find Nemo and his cousins and aunties and parents and grandparents all chillin in the "anenenenome." We saw reef sharks, little stingrays, and HUGE clams (like bigger than me) that open and close when you wave your hand over them. We heard parrot fish eating off the coral, like actually biting and chewing! We found a little turtle and I fed it a piece of algae right from my fingers. We saw an eel, coral that changes from maroon to lavender when you touch it, tiny fish, huge fish, beautiful fish. It was fantastic.

My only complaint was the german dude who pushed me. When you dive it's kind of like driving. You need to know where you are and where everyone else is at all times. Mostly it's to protect the coral. One wrong swipe of a flipper and you destroy thousands, or even millions of years of growth. It's also, however, to be courteous to other divers. Nothing sucks more than a flipper to the face mask or regulator when you're 60ft under water. New divers (just like new drivers) need some time to get used to this and occasionally even the best divers drift into one and other.

BUT today this german dude repeatedly swam into me. I'd say he did it 10 to 15 times over the 3 dives. Evan says he swam into him as well. Lucky for me this dude just kept swimming under me and got kicked quite a few times. When you rear-end another driver, your bad. When you swim into another diver from behind or below, your bad. The last time he swam into me his reaction was to SHOVE me to the side...purposely. I have never, ever, ever shoved another diver. I glided to the side and in my effort to avoid the coral I ended up getting kicked and thwacked with an arm of a couple other divers. I recovered but let me tell you that I had glorious visions of pushing him back and entering an all out brawl with that nazi asshole. Oh, and did I mention he had wanky eyes?

Anyway, despite my reef rage encounter...amazing day. I so wish I could take my camera phone down with me tomorrow to show you all. Sorry peeps.

I've been on a boat mother f-er!

I think I can probably do anything after all my journeys. I survived camping and no toilets and now I've officially lived in a sailboat for 2 days and 2 nights. I did not get seasick, I slept like a baby and I've started a "wet ones" shower trend.

This boating trip was very cool. Got to help hoist the sails, met some chill people, had excellent food and got to do my first SCUBA dive on the Great Barrier Reef. We're heading back to Airlie Beach now to shower up and hopefully hit the after party for dinner later on. Tomorrow we head to Cairns and will spend the rest of our time in Australia up there.

I can't believe that 2 weeks from today we'll be flying home. I can honestly say that I'm ready to return to the real world. I'm ready to figure out where I'm heading, find a job, see my friends and cats and just get back to my regular daily life and activities. Doesn't mean I have to stay in Philly...I'm just ready to be home. I think after 1 more week of SCUBA diving and some sky diving and rafting and whatever else crazy things we do back in Queenstown, NZ I will certainly be ready to chill for a bit. Well, I say that now but then I guess if I move to Europe I could make some exceptions, eh?