This national park is beautiful and we've been lucky to have some warmer sunny weather. I even got a bit of color back yesterday. I'm proud to say that I think I'm going to survive New Zealand. I still don't like getting out of showers into the cold air or my middle-of-the-night walks to the bathroom but we've got 8 days to go, 7 of which will be on the north island and jam packed with caves, glow worms, hiking and sky diving (finally!). We may even fit in some SCUBA.
I had some thinking time on our walk the other day and I've come to some conclusions. First, the kiwi bird does not exist. We have been here for almost 4 weeks and we have not seen one. Not even a picture of one except corny cartoonish drawings on shopping bags or "kiwi zone" signs or even the McDonalds flag. I don't buy that they're nocturnal or that dogs and possums are reducing their numbers...I haven't even seen one at a wildlife/bird sanctuary. In conclusion, the much cherished and protected kiwi bird is really a myth.
I also thought about the original theme of my travels and my goals and realized that I need to refocus. "Letting go" of little daily things has gotten easier and I rarely have to think about it. Plans get messed up, Evan snaps at me (which is rare but seems to be happening more lately), wifi on my phone is acting up so I lose a call a million times...I just breathe and move on.
Even some of the more important stuff has gotten easier. Evan isn't very talkative and hasn't really wanted to hit bars or anything at night. At first I thought it must be me...I'm not as cool as he thinks his friends are or I'm just his big annoying sister. It bugged me. But at this point there really isn't anything I can do about it other than be me and accept that this is how it is and hopefully in Australia we will get to meet some people to hang out with along the way and break the monotony of our duo.
The bigger things though...I just can't quiet my head as much as I'd like to. When I went to that yoga class last week it was so nice to have 1.5 hours of mental quiet where all I thought about was the position of my body. I've been trying to focus on keeping my shoulders down and open and on the posture of my spine because it feels better and gives me something to focus my mind on. Still...not doing as well as I'd like.
I'm already planning things in my head for when I get home in 6ish weeks. How clean is the house? What am I going to do with my hair? Can I tailgate for the Eagles game on Nov 21st and still make it to the airport to pick Preston up? (Speaking of the Eagles...as I write this they are apparently getting killed by the Redskins...Vick is hurt, McCoy is hurt. I thought my toiletries exploding on a hot dashboard yesterday or dropping a jar of peanut butter on my left big toe this a.m was bad!)
I also mull over and over in my head about where I'm going after I'm done with this trip. I miss working. I am discouraged by the time and effort I've put into my job search, even while traveling, and that I've come up with almost nothing. A couple of interviews, an out-of-the-blue job offer that came 2 days too late, and that's about it. I love being a lawyer. I'm not ready to just throw it away but I also know that I'm not willing to get back on a career track that doesn't get me where I want to go.
I have an outstanding coffee invite with the out-of-the-blue boss. I have a great idea for how I can fill a niche in the legal field that might give me a bit of income, and potentially a lot of income, once I get it up and running. I have some LLM programs to apply for but still no guarantee that will get me a job or be what I want (it's more a career move and not something I'm totally invested in at this point). And I have Susan who hopefully will help find me some temp work (since I'm apparently a great receptionist with a sweet phone voice) while I work it all out.
What do I want to do? Right now my gut says that I want to teach abroad. I love traveling, I love exploring, I've always loved teaching from the bit of volunteer work I've done and I've talked to some people who have made it work for them in a great way. I've started researching and hope I can work out the logistics (i.e obligations in the states, my house, moving my cats). It just feels like the best fit for what I want professionally and personally. We'll see...I just wish I could limit the amount of time and brain power I'm dedicating to this. Where is the line between working on it and obsessing over it?
I've also been dealing with some personal disappointments. I can be a little guarded at times. I don't often confide everything or say as much as I want to in relationships - romantic or just with friends - because I've had the rug ripped out from under my feet way too many times. Blogging has helped me open up a bit. Having some solid friends has as well.
Meeting Preston helped as well. Finally not having to deal with games or fit into a tiny box of expectations allowed me to unintentionally go in with my wall down. It's crazy though how the smallest things can happen that make my defenses come shooting up. Watching from my "let go" perspective it's like I can see where past battle wounds play out in my head where they have no business being but addressing them and setting them free is harder than I'd like.
And, finally, my parents. I don't think I've updated much since the Amsterdam face-off but let's just say the situation has deteriorated. In discussing the situation Preston said, "I don't understand. From day one you spoke of your parents so highly. Where did all this come from?" I just keep wondering that over and over in my head...how did the people who have always supported me and told me I can do anything I set my mind to turn into my biggest naysayers when I need their support and advice the most? Maybe they are really Philly sports fans?
I've always kept a bit of myself private from my parents. I didn't always tell them the work I put in to finding a job, just the end result (which, until recently, was always positive). I haven't always told them about every guy I've met along the way (they've met 3: my high school boyfriend (who they love using as an example as to my failed dating life...sorry, I didn't chose well at age 16), my ex husband and Keem)...mostly because 90% never go anywhere or are crazy in their own special ways. I wasn't guarded per se but I just wanted them to be proud of me.
My dad always told me 2 things: (1) you should never wake up and feel like you're going to "work" and (2) as a strong, intelligent woman you can achieve anything you want. (He also told me that crying solves nothing and my therapist, when I had one, seemed to think that played a part in my internalizing emotions and fear of being vulnerable or weak).
So now that I haven't told them of each and every job I've applied for or gotten into my full thought out plans moving forward in whichever direction I choose (mostly because they say NO before I can)...I am immature, careless, irresponsible. I wouldn't have anything without them (trust me, the minute I can give them their down payment money back from my house and pay them back for my car (which I thought was a gift) it's done) and if I don't find myself a rich husband I need to reevaluate my career plans.
And since I haven't told them about every guy I've met they've decided that I insist on dating "losers" who aren't "intelligent" and that they don't understand why I'm trying to "go back to the ghetto" when Jews have tried to move away from there for generations.
Yeah, I didn't tell them about the dentist a friend tried to set me up with who invited me, via gchat, to his jacuzzi before ever hearing my voice and, when I declined, I never heard from him again. Or the engineer/MMA fighter who freaked out on me every time we talked and then contacted me the next day like nothing happened. Or the worldly MBA student who snorted coke with his friends and partied every night and I decided that wasn't the life for me. And there have been countless others...if you know me, you know this. I could write a book.
Apparently it's not up for discussion because in person they yell and insult me and the people in my life, via email (yes, I sent them an email longer than this blog entry) I "have an attitude." So my parents, my role models, my support structure...apparently as mythical as the kiwi bird.
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