I'm ba-ack!!

Well, I'm officially back in Philly and after spending 6.5 hours driving my car back from NH yesterday I've had plenty of time to reflect on my trip and my return (and my singing skills...you all are so lucky you weren't in that car with me). Anyway, I thought I would share before the blog goes mostly quiet for a while until I'm off on my next travel adventure.

As I went through, edited, and uploaded my pictures I kind of relived my trip. I can still feel how lonely and scared I was in the beginning and how much I felt like that meant I was somehow failing. (Failing what? I'm not sure. Maybe my assumptions of what my trip should be and how I should feel). Then, toward the end of my trip I had to keep checking myself: this is not the real world, I will not always be this happy, I cannot ride scooters around Rome every day for the rest of my life. I don't know if I will be able to explain this as well as I would like but, long story short, I feel like the old me.

Looking back over the last few years I realize that I was a little frozen by my disappointment with myself and my self-determined "failures" and, in turn, by my fear of letting people down. Those are my kryptonite: failure and disappointing others.

I know where it started. It was 6th grade. My English teacher gave us a pop-quiz and I got a C on it. When I got my progress report that quarter that C had dragged my average down to an A-. My parents were not pleased and they told me that A- was not acceptable. I lost phone privileges (until I sat in the kitchen and talked their ears off and they quickly reinstated them). Their disapproval of my A- stuck with me and I would not let myself get any less than an A for years. I don't think my parents ever said another word to me but in my own head, I was not going to let them down again (I should note that, even without my parents, I was driven enough on my own...in 1st grade I was requesting extra homework from my teacher). I don't know how I managed to work and play soccer and volunteer as a tutor and participate in extracurricular activities and keep my grades almost solidly As through middle school and into high school but I did it and I am proud of it.

Fast forward to junior year of high school. For some reason I had my AP History and Advanced Math finals scheduled on the same day. I studied and studied and studied. I knew there was no way I would be able to pull off As in both classes and I just did not have any more room in my head. I was starting to lose it. I went into my parents' bedroom and laid in the fetal position on their floor. I remember crying and telling them that I just couldn't study anymore and that I wasn't going to get As. My dad looked at me and said "Heather, in the grand scheme of your life, how much do these grades matter?" I don't remember the grades I got on those exams or in those classes. Apparently, those grades didn't matter very much. What my dad said, however, has stuck with me since then.

I wish I had repeated my dad's statement to myself more often in the recent years. I love that I am driven. I love that I want to do my best and give others my best. I realize now though that my desire to succeed, whether academically, professionally or personally, coupled with my inability to let go led me to a point where I lost sight of the grand scheme of my life and of what makes me happy.

As far as my job/career situation goes, I was scared when I quit my job and I miss working at times. I have never not (double negative intended) had a job. But to be honest, now that I've had some time, I like that I hopefully have a chance to figure out what I love and that I can take this time to redirect myself whether it's back into non-profit/public interest/public policy work or in a whole new direction.

As far as I go...well, I am still a work in progress but being back in familiar Philly I can feel where I have changed or repaired myself. I feel stronger, confident and like I'm finally standing firmly on my own two feet again. I remember how to be my own best friend, confidant, and support and I acknowledge that I do not, and cannot, make everyone happy but I can't lose myself trying to please others. It's ok if I want to go to 2 yoga classes and not a friend's happy hour. It's ok if I'd rather sit in a park or at a coffee shop rather than go shopping. It's ok if I want to sit on the couch with the cats rather than go out just like it was ok when I spent the night with San Miguel in Barcelona or caught up on sleep during my 1st visit to Rome.

Most importantly, (allow me a moment to give a little TMI) it's ok to love and care about someone but admit that you can't be with them and to acknowledge that, no matter how hard you try, it just doesn't work. For all the reasons you may think you should be with someone (i.e. they didn't do anything tangibly wrong, you feel bad/guilty for hurting them or letting them down, you worked so hard to get this and don't want to give up, etc.) if you take a second to listen to your gut you'll just know. I've made the mistake of ignoring my gut more than once and I've ended up hurting the other parties and myself more than I maybe would have initially. I also realize that all the bits and pieces of myself that I tried to use to hold things together got lost in the process and that's what I've been working to reclaim.

My parents told me a while back that they are waiting for me to be excited about someone, to tell them I can't be without that person no matter what. It's raining in Philly right now (there goes my morning run!) and as I'm sitting here staring out the window trying to choose my words for this blog entry I realize that maybe I might be starting to get what they mean.

Hmmm...looks like the rain is clearing a bit. Maybe I can squeeze a run in anyway. Oh, and did I mention I FINALLY get to go to yoga tonight?!? :-D