Well, I'm officially back in Philly and after spending 6.5 hours driving my car back from NH yesterday I've had plenty of time to reflect on my trip and my return (and my singing skills...you all are so lucky you weren't in that car with me). Anyway, I thought I would share before the blog goes mostly quiet for a while until I'm off on my next travel adventure.
As I went through, edited, and uploaded my pictures I kind of relived my trip. I can still feel how lonely and scared I was in the beginning and how much I felt like that meant I was somehow failing. (Failing what? I'm not sure. Maybe my assumptions of what my trip should be and how I should feel). Then, toward the end of my trip I had to keep checking myself: this is not the real world, I will not always be this happy, I cannot ride scooters around Rome every day for the rest of my life. I don't know if I will be able to explain this as well as I would like but, long story short, I feel like the old me.
Looking back over the last few years I realize that I was a little frozen by my disappointment with myself and my self-determined "failures" and, in turn, by my fear of letting people down. Those are my kryptonite: failure and disappointing others.
I know where it started. It was 6th grade. My English teacher gave us a pop-quiz and I got a C on it. When I got my progress report that quarter that C had dragged my average down to an A-. My parents were not pleased and they told me that A- was not acceptable. I lost phone privileges (until I sat in the kitchen and talked their ears off and they quickly reinstated them). Their disapproval of my A- stuck with me and I would not let myself get any less than an A for years. I don't think my parents ever said another word to me but in my own head, I was not going to let them down again (I should note that, even without my parents, I was driven enough on my own...in 1st grade I was requesting extra homework from my teacher). I don't know how I managed to work and play soccer and volunteer as a tutor and participate in extracurricular activities and keep my grades almost solidly As through middle school and into high school but I did it and I am proud of it.
Fast forward to junior year of high school. For some reason I had my AP History and Advanced Math finals scheduled on the same day. I studied and studied and studied. I knew there was no way I would be able to pull off As in both classes and I just did not have any more room in my head. I was starting to lose it. I went into my parents' bedroom and laid in the fetal position on their floor. I remember crying and telling them that I just couldn't study anymore and that I wasn't going to get As. My dad looked at me and said "Heather, in the grand scheme of your life, how much do these grades matter?" I don't remember the grades I got on those exams or in those classes. Apparently, those grades didn't matter very much. What my dad said, however, has stuck with me since then.
I wish I had repeated my dad's statement to myself more often in the recent years. I love that I am driven. I love that I want to do my best and give others my best. I realize now though that my desire to succeed, whether academically, professionally or personally, coupled with my inability to let go led me to a point where I lost sight of the grand scheme of my life and of what makes me happy.
As far as my job/career situation goes, I was scared when I quit my job and I miss working at times. I have never not (double negative intended) had a job. But to be honest, now that I've had some time, I like that I hopefully have a chance to figure out what I love and that I can take this time to redirect myself whether it's back into non-profit/public interest/public policy work or in a whole new direction.
As far as I go...well, I am still a work in progress but being back in familiar Philly I can feel where I have changed or repaired myself. I feel stronger, confident and like I'm finally standing firmly on my own two feet again. I remember how to be my own best friend, confidant, and support and I acknowledge that I do not, and cannot, make everyone happy but I can't lose myself trying to please others. It's ok if I want to go to 2 yoga classes and not a friend's happy hour. It's ok if I'd rather sit in a park or at a coffee shop rather than go shopping. It's ok if I want to sit on the couch with the cats rather than go out just like it was ok when I spent the night with San Miguel in Barcelona or caught up on sleep during my 1st visit to Rome.
Most importantly, (allow me a moment to give a little TMI) it's ok to love and care about someone but admit that you can't be with them and to acknowledge that, no matter how hard you try, it just doesn't work. For all the reasons you may think you should be with someone (i.e. they didn't do anything tangibly wrong, you feel bad/guilty for hurting them or letting them down, you worked so hard to get this and don't want to give up, etc.) if you take a second to listen to your gut you'll just know. I've made the mistake of ignoring my gut more than once and I've ended up hurting the other parties and myself more than I maybe would have initially. I also realize that all the bits and pieces of myself that I tried to use to hold things together got lost in the process and that's what I've been working to reclaim.
My parents told me a while back that they are waiting for me to be excited about someone, to tell them I can't be without that person no matter what. It's raining in Philly right now (there goes my morning run!) and as I'm sitting here staring out the window trying to choose my words for this blog entry I realize that maybe I might be starting to get what they mean.
Hmmm...looks like the rain is clearing a bit. Maybe I can squeeze a run in anyway. Oh, and did I mention I FINALLY get to go to yoga tonight?!? :-D
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Invitation to view Heather Goldner's Gallery
| You are invited to view Heather Goldner's photo gallery. Message from Heather Goldner: Got all the pics from the trip uploaded. Hopefully this link works! If you are having problems viewing this email, copy and paste the following into your browser: http://picasaweb.google.com/104171652298385141782?feat=email To share your photos or receive notification when your friends share photos, get your own free Picasa Web Albums account.  |
Monday, August 9, 2010
The end of Europe. Part II.
So, Thursday Preston and I decided was the day to take a train out to Pisa, to see the leaning tower, and Lucca. I got dressed and said "I'm wearing this white shirt to make sure we get rained on." Well...that was dumb. About halfway into the train ride it started raining. Then more and more. We got to Pisa in the middle of thunder, lightning, and torrential downpours. It was also about 20 degrees F cooler than it had been and I was wearing sandals, shorts and a thin white tanktop. We bought a huge purple umbrella from one of the African umbrella salesmen at the train station and decided to forge ahead with the 20 min walk. Wow. We forged alright. Through puddles as big as ponds and completely flooded streets. Even stopping at a cafe for some coffee didn't really help the storm pass. Luckily my sandals were securely strapped with some grip on the bottom. Preston was wearing some Puma flip flops and almost lost them, and his life, in some of the water and slippery surfaces (i.e. marble).
We made it to the tower and bought some ponchos. They were lovely, trust me. Preston did look a little like shrek in his green one and my yellow one was, well, big bird-esque. It was all worth it. The tower is indeed leaning and it was amazing to see it in person after hearing and reading about it all my life. The rain even cleared up while we were there so we could take some decent pics.
After grabbing a pizza we hopped a train to Lucca. It's a tiny town surrounded by a 12 meter high wall with a really old world/medieval feel to it. While stopping for cappuccino and to eat the canolli I had been carrying in my purse since breakfast we decided to rent bicycles to explore Lucca. The wall is only 4km and it seemed like the best and most fun way to go. For €2.50 each it was definitely worth it.
I should tell you that after leaving NH 11 years ago to move to Philly I stopped riding bikes. I'm scared of the traffic. So...I returned after 11 years of bicycle retirement and, like my mom said, riding a bike after all that time was just like riding a bike. I did have a little difficulty with sharp turns but whatever. I didn't injure myself or anyone else and I got to see all of amazing Lucca.
We rode off the wall and into the town for a bit and an old man stopped us to ask what we wanted while we were snapping some pictures. I thought we were in trouble. We were not. He just wanted to tell us where to go and what to see in his town. He didn't speak much English so I told him I understand Spanish (which he did speak from living in Venezuela years ago when he was younger). He proceeded to speak in Spanish/Italian/English to me. It was adorable.
After a couple hours in Lucca we hopped a train back to Florence where, you guessed it, it was pouring rain. Ha! Luckily by the time we were ready to eat our late dinner the rain had passed and we had some great Italian food, more great wine, and great service (especially the Ethiopean/Eretean/probably gay waiter). We took one more walk down to the river and ended the Florence chapter.
Friday morning we did our best to eat and drink as much as possible at our included breakfast before checking out. I met a nice old couple from New Zealand who gave me all sorts of pointers for my upcoming trip there and an interesting but borderline crazy woman from Ireland who also seems to love Australia.
We were running a little late for check out so I was basically tossing shit in my bags trying to pack. It was the first time I'd rushed in my entire trip and it brought back all sorts of work/life memories. I can tell you this...that sort of hectic rushing, whether professionally or personally, is done for.
We made it and then made our way back to the train station to head to Rome. After getting a little lost we finally found our "hotel." Let me say, it was no sort of hotel. They did not have AC, the beds were something else, and the bathroom was worse than any of the hostels I stayed in. Bleck. But it worked for the less than 2 days I needed it.
Preston convinced me that we should rent a scooter. I was scared. Driving in Italy is no joke but I did it and it was awesome. There is no better way to see Rome. Preston saw all of Rome in 4 hours, it took me 4 days my 1st time. I showed him the collusseum (sp?), the vatican, the pantheon, the spanish steps, trevi fountain, the area along the river by the synagogue. Everything.
For dinner Friday night I brought him back to the pizza place I loved the 1st time. I did not eat a whole pizza this time. I did manage to spill my wine, preston's wine, and the waiter spilled my water. Hilarious. After dinner, gelato and a nap on the fountain near the Pantheon. Ha!
Saturday a.m. I brought Preston to Trastavere for breakfast (I had the most delicious croissant and apple-strawberry juice ever) and we whizzed around a bit more on the scooter. By early afternoon Preston was on his way back to Prague and I sat in Piazza Navona and went home to pack slowly and get some sleep to be sure to catch my flight the next a.m.
And that's that. I'm sweaty and hungry and in need of coffee so it's time for me to reacquaint myself with Philly beyond the guacamole and margaritas I had with Susan last night. I'll be back to tell you more!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
The end of Europe. Part I.
I did more in the past 6.5 weeks than many people do in their life and I did more in the past 5 days than I would expect to do in 5 years. I don't even know how to put it all into words or into any sort of readable length blog entry but I'll try.
So...Florence. I did the art, I did the cathedral and duomo, I climbed the towers, I walked that city from top to bottom and I loved it. Florence is quiet and laid back and beautiful. I did decide (and I will elaborate later), that even with the crowds, after spending my last 2 days in Rome again, I like Rome better than Florence.
Monday night Preston flew in from Prague. He didn't arrive until 8p.m. so we popped open the wine I'd already stored in the minifridge and went wandering around Florence picking up bottles of wine along the way. We sat and drank on the stairs to the cathedral. We sat and drank by the Ufizzi listening to some amazing live music and we ended up at some amazing pizzeria sometime after midnight. It was nice to have someone wandering and drinking with me. When I'm alone I always feel like a borderline alcoholic. Ha!
Tuesday I showed Preston around the city. We found a little market and picked up cheese, olives, bread, pesto sauce, and some wine and crossed the river to hike up to Piazzelle (sp?) Michaelangelo. On the way we got some stuffed eggplant and greek salad from another little market (you don't hurt for food in Italy). Of course, as soon as we got up there, it rained. And rained. And rained. The view of Florence and the mountains was incredible anyway and we managed to keep the bread from getting soggy and the wine from getting watered down.
Is it bad that I don't remember what we did Tuesday night? I do remember that we walked down to the car rental area and set up our rental car for Wednesday a.m. for our road trip to Cinque Terre (or CT) national park. Oh wait...we had dinner with 2 greek guys Preston met on his way to Florence...Dimitris and Vasilios (sp?). That was an excellent time and, in addition to my roommate Minos, I now have a place to stay if I ever go to Greece.
Cinque Terre. 5 towns nestled in the hills and cliffs and vineyards along the Italian coast. I don't have words that correctly express the beauty of this area of Italy but I can tell you I will be back there one day. We picked up our rental car (named "the bullet") and were thrilled to see it was a convertible. I had thought to ask for one but didn't want to pay extra so it was an awesome surprise. Luckily (or unluckily perhaps) there was also an available GPS. And we set off! CT is about 110km northwest of Florence. The drive through Tuscany and into Liguria was incredible as was the randomness of Italian radio stations. They don't have hip hop stations or oldies stations. It's just kind of whatever they feel like playing at any given moment.
The GPS, although she spoke in English, gave directions like an Italian. "Stay to the left and take the exit. Then take the motorway." Or "In 800 meters bear right. Then take the road." Needless to say, we missed an exit on our way to CT. It ended up being kind of cool (if you're not afraid of heights) because we ended up on some twisty turny mountain roads with great views. If someone would get up there and trim the trees the views would be spectacular!
Finally we made it to Manarola, the 2nd town going south to north, and found parking near some random bus stop in the middle of hills and hills of grapevines. Given that the bus schedule was in Italian and 2 other tourists decided to hike down the mountain to the ocean we did the same and I crossed my fingers that we would find the car again.
CT was breathtaking. To make a long story short, we ate lunch in Manorola and I think it might have been the best meal I had in Italy. Stuffed mussels for me and spinach and ricotta ravioli with salmon for Preston...not to mention the bread and olive oil. Then we walked about 20 minutes south along the coast (called the "lovers walk") to Riomaggiore, the southernmost of the 5 towns. We hopped on a ferry north along the coast to get a peek at all 5 towns (next time I'd like to take the time to hike from town to town but we didn't have the 5 hours to spare) and hopped off in Monterosso, the northernmost town, to hang out and drink some wine on a sandy-ish beach and get some time in the Mediterranean.
We then attempted to take a train back to Manarola but got on the wrong train and ended up way far south in La Spezia. With only a minor moment of panic (on my part, not Preston's) we figured out how to get back to Riomaggiore and walk back to Manorola along the coast at sunset. Luckily, we found a cute shop to tell us how to catch the bus to our car, sell us pizza, and a bottle of cinque terre's famous wine scriaccetera (butchered the spelling of that one!!). That wine, by the way, is sweet and strong like a dessert wine or a port. Delicious end to a perfect day.
And that's all I have time for right now! My flight is about to take off. Plenty more to come.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Leave the gun, take the cannoli!
The outside of the building is this gorgeous green, white, and pink marble. The inside was nice but nothing as grand as I've seen in Rome or back in Spain. I exited the cathedral and saw no line to climb the campanelle (sp?) tower. I then paid them €6 to allow me to climb 414 steps. The views were worth it. As was learning that I haven't fallen out of shape as much as I would have assumed in the last 6 weeks (which is good considering I just promised Steph that I will do a 10 mile and an 11 mile run with her in the next month!).
Next I got into line to climb up to the top of the dome. The line was super long (I learned later that was due to people just stopping where they pleased and blocking the walkways and stairs). I then paid them €8 to allow me to climb 463 stairs. Apparently the extra €2 was worth it because the view was even more incredible.
After my step work-out I wandered around the central market for a bit. It is basically like being in an outdoor leather shop for blocks on end with occasional breaks for murano glass items and t-shirts. I really, really wish I needed a purse.
I grabbed myself a mozzarella and tomato panini for lunch and took a walk down by the river. Followed that up with some more wandering (and gelato) and now I'm showered and resting a bit before I head out again.
I got you all a pic of a replica david sculpture today from near the Ufizzi so you can compare the hand to "man parts" ratio yourselves. Tell me there isn't a problem there!
And that's about it for today. I was very excited to wake up to an email from my college roommates this a.m., especially after writing about friends I don't stay in touch with well enough last night. Made my morning.
What also made my morning is the mom and son team that run my hotel. It's like if my Grandma Eileen and Uncle Richie ran a hotel together. They both have very specific ways of doing everything and if you don't do it that way, you're wrong. The mom rarely smiles and yells commands at Paolo, her son of at least 45 years old non-stop. I love it.
Less than 1 week to go and other than my clothes being a little wrinkled, I feel great. I'm definitely not traveled out and I've managed to keep my feet clean and soft since Rome. I wonder if I would feel differently if I wasn't cheating on myself with some company for my last week but I'm just going to soak it up and enjoy the last days no matter what.
Have I mentioned I miss my cats?
Oh, and I want some cannoli.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
David, we have a problem...
I got here last night and was super excited to do my last handwash of underwear. And I did, plus a dress and the pants I want to wear on my flight back to Philly next weekend. And then this a.m. I saw the no laundry sign. Oops! I'm really not sure how I missed it but the truth is, I would have probably done it anyway. Sorry Hotel Casci.
I started by going to the 2 art museums you're supposed to go to in Florence: the Gallery Academia and the Ufizzi. Michaelangelo's David sculpture is at the gallery and it is incredible. Just remember, as I heard a man say today, "David looks good from the front but he looks even better from behind!" And yes, perhaps true. David, and most sculptures, have an issue. It seems their "man parts" are not proportionate to the rest of them. I've noticed this for a while and figured that you just don't need well endowed sculptures when you want people to focus on your art. But today I looked at David's hands (and feet) and realized that it was just all wrong. David probably would have had a hard time just adjusting himself at a urinal. Also, in case anyone is uninformed or just wondering, the sculptures are uncircumcised - "baggies" are all fully in tact.
On a serious note, I am amazed at the sculptures. Sure, paintings are amazing as well and take time and effort and are something I could never do (except some modern art perhaps) but to think that these sculptures were chiseled out of huge slabs of marble with such detail is something I cannot even fathom. How long does it take to make a David? How do you get the detail? How do you smooth and polish it? How many times has an artist messed up a nose or finger and had to start over?
After David I wandered a bit and then headed to the Ufizzi. I apologize if this offends anyone but the one thing I cannot do any more of in Europe is look at religious/Christian paintings. I think I've seen my share for a while.
It felt nice to wander on foot and in my head today. I cleared out some thoughts and ideas and worked on planning the rest of my week. I found a market that smells of leather (I may love the leather smell more than gasoline) and wished I needed to buy a wallet, purse, jacket, and maybe some shoes. I found the river, some parks, some cute shops, some panini, some gelato, some wine for my hotel room. Ahhhh, I like Florence.
I met 2 notable people today (this is in addition to Paolo and his mother who run my hotel). First, a man who I will name Luigi. He was selling "paintings" on the sidewalk and said "ciao bella" as I walked past. He asked if I was Italian, I said no. And he started telling me I am a "pretty lady" and that I look nice. Then he asked me for coffee, wine, beer, drinks, whatever he could come up with and I politely declined. Then he wanted to walk with me, then he wanted me to go back to that piazza tonight. Again, politely declined, but not without the kisses on each cheek. Persistent Luigi, poor guy.
And the kid in the liquor store:
Me: do you sell wine bottle openers?
Kid: no, but you can have this one (picks up nice looking opener)
Me: are you serious? How much?
Kid: €2, it's a nice one
Me: ok, I'll take it
Problem solved! I came back to take a quick nap and next thing I knew it was after 9pm and I decided I'm in for the night. I'm debating where I could run in the a.m. (and if I can both run and make it to breakfast).
So tomorrow is the Duomo/Cathedral and some more wandering. I'm going to get to Pisa this week as well as Cinque Terre (google it, can't even describe it with words). I'm having another debate with myself regarding renting a car and road tripping or taking a guided tour to Cinque Terre. I really don't like tours but knowing my ability to get lost, I really can't decide. Another day is either Chianti/Siena or just heading up to Fiesole with some wine and food and hanging out. That will depend on how lazy I am after my Cinque Terre day.
I'm going to recycle some friends this week. Rachel, one of the Australians I met in Valencia, is going to be in Rome at the end of this week. I will be there as well (I'm flying home from Rome) so we are going to hopefully link up on my last night. And Preston of Prague Square Hostel fame decided he needed a vacation away from Prague and is heading to Florence.
It will be nice to have some people to drink/eat/party with for my last week. I feel a little like I'm cheating on myself though. I'm supposed to be soaking up my alone time I thought. I can say it's pretty cool that I made some friends/acquaintances along the way and I hope some of the others that I've met and only "friended" on FB will pop back up sometime down the line.
Friends. I miss them tons. I have never been particularly good at maintaining friends through life changes. Many, I realize now, weren't really true friends and I guess faded out or ended naturally. Some I can still call and pick up right where we left off but then I suck at keeping it up after that all over again even though I miss them. A couple slipped away and I still don't understand why. I need to work on friendships because I love the friends that are in my life now, near and far, regardless of how often we talk, way too much to let them slip away.
Friends, cats, yoga, and even some more running (2 times per week isn't cutting it even with all the walking) are the things making going home in a week ok with me. I even miss working a little (not that I'm going back to that right away) and still have my fingers crossed that I'll get an interview for one of the 3 jobs I applied for this summer. Not looking likely. Oh well, I guess I'll have to go to Australia and New Zealand. ;)
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