I've always wanted to travel. I blame my parents for that. Dragging me from national park to national park was a start but leaving the North American continent has been something I constantly dreamed about. After being in school for 21 years straight, buying a house, getting married and divorced, I hadn't left much time for me. I never did the Peace Corp, I never studied abroad, I was always in a rush to get to the next point on my path.
I read the book "Eat, Pray, Love" (EPL) by Elizabeth Gilbert (EG), once years ago and again recently, and it spoke to me on many levels. From her realization that her marriage isn't working (but not being able to pinpoint the reason) to not being able to quiet her mind during yoga and meditation...I could relate. As I struggled with my career options (and temporary lack thereof) I just kept thinking "maybe I should take off on my own and find the world, and myself."
My brothers also inspired me - Evan for his ability to take risks and the travels he has done (and will do with me this fall) and Jason for what he would have done and would tell me to do. So...here I am.
I have never been particularly balanced although I recognize it and work on it daily. I can be too all or nothing. I obsess in my head (and sometimes out loud driving those closest to me insane I'm sure) over thoughts, fears, decisions until I annoy myself.
There was a part in EPL where EG is having a difficult time in her own head and a man passes her a note about how to "let go" of the past, how to acknowledge the bad with the good that creeps into your head and then release it. My yoga instructors say similar things - if you lose focus on your breath during practice, let the interfering thoughts in and then let them pass (geez I miss yoga). I, unfortunately, have a brick wall as an exit from my brain.
Before I left on this trip, as some of you know, I decided my challenge was to "let go." I almost got those words tattooed on my inner left wrist as a reminder. I still may.
I have been doing well so far I think. I've dealt with all sorts of language and social challenges and fears as I've already blogged about. I have set goals (i.e. to be ok eating alone or to speak more Spanish or to not let a day of bad timing put me in a bad mood) and I am working toward them. My enemy, as it is when I am home, is down time. After nonstop studying and working for my entire life, I do not know how to do nothing (double negative intended) and instead I fill the time with thinking and thinking and more thinking.
That is where I am today: stuck in my thoughts. Will I be ok in Madrid and Barcelona or will I be unsure of myself again? Will I get an interview for that job I randomly applied for before I left? How will it effect (or affect?) my travel plans with Evan if I do? I wonder why certain people have or have not contacted me and if some may forget me by the time I get home. Is this trip going to lead to the loss of friendships/relationships as has happened to me so frequently in the past even when I am no where far away?
Why am I lonely? (I miss Philly, I miss hugs and human contact, I miss laughing with people, I miss Rollie's hugs and kisses and Cruiser's old lady-cat way of affection, I miss girly gossip. Did I say I miss human contact?).
I can't wait to see Margeau in Paris and my parents in London/Amsterdam. Does that mean I am failing at being alone?
And just as I finish writing, the couple (I will let you guess where they are from) eating breakfast next to me decided to stage photos of themselves eating breakfast with the proper backdrop. Yes, I also drink coffee while doing a backbend over a balcony with a cathedral behind me. Haha!
Don't worry...next post will be back to fairies and pots of gold! ;)
You're doing great, don't worry! And of course you are loved and missed. But, I'm not gonna lie, I really miss your cats. :P It won't be long until I try to steal them. ha ha Just kidding (maybe).
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're failing! You're getting through the process of self discovery. And OF COURSE we miss you over here! But you'll be back in no time so enjoy yourself over there...and work on letting go....
ReplyDeleteletting it out is the first step to letting go. i week in and look how far you have gone. keep it up!
ReplyDeleteyou are my hero right now - living the dream I have always been afraid to try to do. You've already let go of so much - just keep going. You may be lonely but not alone since so many of us are anxiously anticipating your next blog. EG struggled too - that's what made her story so real and passionate - and that's what makes you real, too...
ReplyDelete